if you gotta go; if the spotlight makes you nervous

things have been so crazy and hectic...
I should have gotten back by now...
but you know how much I wanted to make it...
...I was only trying to get ahead
but the spotlight makes you nervous
and you're looking for a purpose 
----Drake


Hey guys,

So for whatever reason I decided to browse through Facebook and check the pages of childhood friends. I had found out one of them is moving back to his home country and my chest felt heavy, really heavy. We're not very close...in fact, we have only said a few words to each other in the past four years, but I still felt something. I may never get to see him again.

So as I went through different pages, I began to realize something. I am growing up. I am a grown up that is still growing up and guys, I got scared. Really scared!

I've always wanted to travel the world; to be free somehow but life hasn't given me that luxury. Now that I'm four months away from starting medical school, I'm worrying that this is my last chance. To travel. That is, to travel as a single woman. I'm hoping by the next time I get this chance, I will either be married or at least be with the person I am going to marry.

sigh... I'm praying for some miracle that will allow me to travel the world... Spain, Italy, France, Morroco, Cape Verde, South Africa...

I'm hoping I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll get a phone call saying someone wants to give me enough money to travel to countries of my choice and the chance to bring a friend along.

**Fingers crossed**

BoomStarz, MD

Sometimes you're the statue; Sometimes you're the pigeon

I really meant to start this blog in January 2012, but I'm feeling quite down today so I figure I'll make a post. It helps to be doing something rather than being alone with your thoughts. Negative thoughts. Thoughts that make you long for a brighter day. It's raining real hard in my mind right now and when it rains, it pours! I'm glad I'll be leaving for school in the next few months, but I keep looking for something tangible to hold on to now.


I feel super LONELY right now and it sucks!

Nothing to worry about though, I know I'll bounce back but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I feel helpless, useless, and unwanted. Now-- I know if I needed anything, I have at least a handful of people I can call to give me a boost, but because I'm human, it still never feels enough.

I think I'm a bit nervous for medical school. It's such a huge responsibility and really, after that, my adult life truly begins. It's a bit hard to swallow but I know I'll be fine. I'm always fine. Just staying calm through the turbulence of journey is what I need to deal with.

Loneliness.

BoomStarz, MD